Often appearing as being kind, saying yes to others can lead to being overwhelmed, resentful, and disconnected from what it is you desire. Healthy boundaries are not being cold and difficult. They’re all about setting boundaries and honoring others.
This is a skill that requires practice, particularly if you’re accustomed to meeting the needs of other people before yourself. You can start to shift the culture of automatic approval-seeking by making some simple modifications.
Recognize Your People Pleasing Patterns
The first step is to be conscious of the difference between when you are agreeing because you truly want to help and when you are agreeing because you don’t want to please someone else. Examples of this include saying sorry too much, avoiding conflict, accepting blame for other people’s emotions, or saying yes without checking your own availability.
Keep a simple record for a week. Record circumstances in which you reluctantly accepted and concerns that you might have had about saying no. This helps to establish a clearer understanding of the areas where the boundary is most required.
Start with Small, Clear Boundaries
It’s not a requirement that you have to change every relationship all at once. Start with non-threatening scenarios. To avoid giving in to an immediate request, say Let me check my schedule first. This will allow you to make a conscious choice instead of reacting on autopilot.
If you must say no, say it in a straightforward manner. This is often sufficient: “I can’t take that now.” Just a long explanation doesn’t make the boundary more legitimate.
Build Confidence With Self Confidence Coach
Positive thinking does not give you self-confidence; it comes from experience. If you set up a reasonable limit, stick to it. When you have told the boss that you would leave work at a certain time, try to actually leave work at that time. If you choose not to answer messages during personal time, maintain that limit consistently.
Every time you do something in accordance with your values and priorities, you send the message that your needs are important. That’s where the help of a self confidence coach can be beneficial. A coach assists you in recognizing the patterns, practicing your communication, and making the intention part of your behavior.
Practice Assertive Communication
It’s easier to set boundaries if you know how to do it in a calm way. Being assertive is not being an aggressor. It’s okay to be straightforward, but not rude. Describe the situation without unnecessary blame, explain what you need, and clearly state what you can and what you cannot do.
For instance, rather than saying, “You always expect too much of me,” say, “I can’t do another project this week, but I will discuss this project next week. Clear language helps to avoid confusion and provides the other person with something to respond to.
Expect Some Discomfort and Pushback
A new boundary may feel uncomfortable, even if it’s healthy. Your constant availability may be a change that those who have grown used to you might question. If they’re reacting, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve done something wrong.
Allow yourself to feel the discomfort and not swing back into making the call to change your mind. When boundaries evoke strong feelings of fear, sadness, or safety issues, counseling or therapy might be more suitable than coaching.
